Serbs fight the Serbian Wolf

Now, this was truly an unforgettable experience... Dee Dee seems to agree with me. Can you believe that? No? Well, why don't you see for yourself. Here she goes... Dee Dee?

Dee Dee and Mara
sitting in a tree:
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes baby….
…huh. Not really sure we can make that one happen- medically impossible and all. Although me and Mara would have some super cool kiddies!

And frankly, even thou sitting in a tree is SUPER fun, climbing it does not work very well in heels.
Because of this we had to settle for sitting in a café - while yapping and ranting about “My Serbian Wolf”.
From time to time, a scared waiter brought us some more ice cream.
You need ice cream to have this kind of discussion - trust me! Lots and lots of ice cream!

So, this is how it all went down…

*Dee Dee glares*

Mara: You can stop pouting. It’s unbecoming.

DD: Yeah? Well, so sorry to disturb your afternoon tea with my mood swings.

Mara: Tut-tut! Where is that smile? Huh? Give Auntie Mara a smile!

DD: I am going to bite your finger off if you don’t stop that!

Mara: Oh, cheer up, you spoilsport! You were supposed to have fun while reading that crappy book.

DD: What is so fun about reading the first romance book about Serbs and finding out it is horribly playing with our history, facts and…well, names!

Mara: Never pegged you for a nationalist, my dear.

DD: Bah, you know I am not. That is the biggest problem. If even I was troubled by this… I have no idea what somebody that is big on historical background would say.

Mara: Well, it is soooo hard to research these days. Google being available to everybody and all.

DD: Ugh. Not even gonna go there…wait! Yes, I will! But first listen to this…I wrote a little summary of the book for when we post on the blog…
“Once there were two wolfs. They lived in 1389 Serbia. They were in love. The male wolf sprouts a lot of Serbian history we know is nonsense and is all around angsty. He hints hints hints that there are be three young souls that get the burnt of some wizzy wizards anger because they rebelled against fighting in a war. The she wolf has no idea what he is talking about. She is in a complete tizzy over his whole “I will sacrifice for us all” plan.
Jump to fist chapter - we are now in present times, and the heroine is having wet dreams about a wolf shifter in 1389 Serbia. She knows he is her mate and she is a reincarnation of his mate. We have no idea how she know this and why she is so calm about it all. They have sex. After some disturbing sex scenes we see him giving her the boot. Why? Because he knows he will meet her in real life.
And he does. Then they get married. The end? Not quite.
The heroine knows nothing of her past lives and problems, just has some glimpses imbedded in her memory. Why? Because she can only know it once and forever hoooold heeeer silence…”

Mara: D, that is a part of somebody’s wedding ceremony. You totally stole that!

DD: The holding her silence part? I know! Am I inventive or what? Back to my summary…listen up!
“So he tells her the big old truth:
The three endangered souls back in the other lifetime? It was their kids. WOW! Right? The kids she has now? He impregnated them with her in her dreams – so their kids souls can get in to them. Still, HE HAS A CHILD, in whom is the soul of their kid from a previous life time.”

Mara: Do you think so? Maybe Alex was not the heroine’s kid in the first place. I never got that.

DD: You never got it, because the author can not make a plot connection even if her life depended on it! Any way…
“The hero impregnated some random chick in order to store the soul of their third child. Because it would be to easy/normal/logical to impregnate the heroine in her dreams one more time (he did it two times….why not a third?). We actually have no idea how he got out of the alternate dream land from where he controlled everything or why they are not wolves in their new lives. Pretty much nothing was explained in the end, not his ex wife, not why she is absent from her sons life, not the curse, or how he broke it..”

Mara: God. I am getting a headache when you put it like that.

DD: I know! Here, have an aspirin.

Mara: I think I would have died of aspirin consumption if I took those while reading. Now, I want to make a special emphasis on one teensy-weensy thing. They are supposed to be like eternal mates, right? Reincarnated and all that crap? Yet he CHEATED ON HER! I mean, what the fuck??? And not only did he cheat - while being the only one who KNEW THEIR WHOLE PAST and REMEMBERED what she means to him- he did not give her poor hubby the choise to impregnate her! He impregnated the heroine himself and totally cheated the man out of a wife. On the other hand he himself was.....MARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE!

DD: You are so right! And did you notice the birth dates of their kids? “Their” oldest is about 14. The heroine and hero’s younger daughter is 9. Yet the hero’s son with the OW is 10. From this, we can safely conclude that he was dream banging the heroine and doing his wife in real life. Don’t you feel the love? I would totally want to be stuck with this guy for several lifetimes.

Mara: Yeah, He got me hooked right from the start. You know – because his seed is warming.

*Dee Dee is busy moping up the ice cream that came out of her nose*

Mara: Seriously... I think the porn industry lied to this author. I am not really sure you can get an orgasm from a doggy penis. Those are... not very wide. Also, that thing is NOT erect before entering a female… it is actually supported by the penile bone and…Why am I even saying this in public? However you look at it - being fucked by a canine penile bone is not my idea of fun.

Dee Dee: Now, now Mara! Don’t you judge other people's sexual preferences! Still, when it comes to the scene where the heroine is practicing bestiality, I was more worried over the hero just pulling out of her the moment he finished. In real life…

*Mara cannot stop herself from snorting*

Mara: As much as having sex with a dog can happen in real life!

DD: Like I was saying… in real life, her vagina would be cut up in to shreds if he pulled out like that. Canine penises get knotted after ejaculation. And pretty much fixed in the vagina of the female! Or in this case – the very human heroine.

Mara: Oh, I knew you’d mention that! Hmpf. I thought that after all the Lora Leigh Breed books got published EVERYBODY knew about knotting. Just goes to show how much this author hates confirming any facts.

DD: I like that word. Knotting. Reminds me of knitting. And grandma.

Mara: You like knitting? I didn’t know!

DD: I like the needles. Sharp and pointy. What's not to like?

*Dee Dee laughs evily*

Mara: I'd stick with knotting mates. They're also sharp and pointy! Well... parts of them at least.

DD: You have your fun... and I will have my fun! Btw, I would like to use a knitting needle on the author - for making me re-think reading erotica. Her sexy adventures are downright disturbing at times! The sentence that worries me the most is “To Rebecca, Nicholai’s balls looked as though they would burst at any moment.”

Mara: Jesus F. Christ!! I must have missed that one.

DD: Pop go his balls..!

Mara: Ka-boom!

*both dissolve in a fit of giggles*

Mara: I, on the other hand, suspect the heroine has loose vaginal muscles.

DD: I… can not even begin to comment on that.

Mara: The hero kept saying “SQUEEZE MY COCK!”. What else could it be? I mean, even Mario Puzo wrote about a woman with that issue - much more eloquently, though. This is nothing to be ashamed of... 21st century and all - just hop to your doctor and he'll fix it in no time.

DD: Puh- puh, M! You and I both know you are just jealous of their wolifish sex life!

Mara: Well, not that I'd know what’s the etiquette when it comes to fucking shifters/wolves and such, but if a man told me to "assume the position" before we start having sex - let's say that wouldn't go over very well.

DD: I see your point. I would bitch slap the guy who tried telling me that, for sure! But we both know “Niko” means “nobody” in Serbian. “OH, YESSSSS, OH, YOU NOBODY!” is not something that should be screamed while he fucks you in his beast form. It just isn’t.

Mara: Utterly unsexy. Hey! Did you ever play “Grand Theft Auto”?

DD: Sure. Why?

Mara: Think of the only character form the Balkans in GTA. The one that… speaks Serbian.

DD: She didn’t. No way! She… did?

Mara: Yep. This author stole that guys name.

DD: GTA should totally sue her! I mean, she changed, what? One letter?

Mara: We already know she is not a Google fan. Or somebody that has any imagination when it comes to names.

DD: You mean like the heroine being a Nubian black woman called “Woman wolf” in…Serbian. Why not Nubian? Or some form of Hebrew or Arabic at least? Did somebody change her name when she came form Egypt?

Mara: I can see we are pretty much overthinking this whole thing. Remember how I was pissed over her using the world “ljubavnica” as an endearment? Which it totally isn’t.

DD: I have a bigger problem with her using it without applying proper grammar cases. Not in one sentence could it be used as she wrote it – “ljubavnicA”. Every single time it should have been “ljubavnicE”.

Mara: Yeah. Well, the thing is – I suspect that English is not the authors native language. You know how, when our people move somewhere, they tend to learn languages from every source available? Which usually means they are presented with not-so-good mixes of different origins, accents, slang, whatever... judging by the overall tone of this book, and the way sentences seem forced - if you know what I mean - I'd say it's a case of "let's learn the idioms and colloquial expressions first, and worry about grammar later".

DD: You might be right. How about that sentence… how did it go… Ah yes!
”She’d pressed her luck more than any female shifter dared to, but alas, that was the beauty Niko admired within her."

Mara: I am not able to even think of analyzing that.

*Mara fakes a shudder*

Mara: And I am a professional translator for Pete’s sake!

DD: Heh! I am not in any professional relationship with Serbian history, even thou I know my share, but I have to tell you – I got verbally slapped in the face from the Prologue onward. Too many times to count! And for the first time in my life – I was bugged with the misinterpretations.

Mara: The way she mixed up the names of the original people that existed in Serbian history made me scratch my head a few time - that is for sure.

DD: Right! In real life, we had Uroš the fifth of the Nemanjić line and Lazar of Serbia also know as Lazar Hrebljanović.

Mara: True, true! And what were their relationships? I always mix that up. It has been a long time since my high school history lessons…

DD: Well, The Nemanjić family had a long ruling line. Sadly, the last in line was Stefan Uroš V, also know as "The Weak". He was pretty much a lacking and indecisive ruler, unable to keep the country under his control. His weak and unassertive personality greatly contributed to the fall of the Empire and the eventual destruction of the Serbian state by the Ottomans.

Mara: Uh-huh! I remember! And Lazar of Serbia had a lot of power in one part of the land. When Stefan lost against the Turks, Lazar became a rebel and tried to fight back, fix up the mess Uroš made.

DD: Yes. But sadly - he failed. He, and all of his men lost their lives in the battle of Kosovo. After that, Serbia was under the Ottoman rule, and stayed in submission for over 500 years.

Mara: In the book, the author said that Tsar Uroš Hrebeljanović cursed the nice little shifters, because they did not want to fight in the battle of Kosovo.

DD: Not that I understand why any SERBIAN shifter would be against fighting to free his own land. You can be a peaceful wolf clan all you like, but the Ottoman empire committed horrible crimes in the war and later ruling of Serbia.

Mara: And in the book Tsar Uroš Hrebljanović is usurping the throne after the very nice Prince Banović Nemanjić. 


DD: Ah. And, there we can see the author somehow came across “Banović Strahinja”, a prominent figure in Serbian history. 

Mara: Too bad she only looked at his “name” and did not bother to read about him. If she did, she would have known that “Banović” is not a name. It is a title. That preceding a name means that somebody is a ban – a ruler of one of the subdivisions of the Kingdom.

DD: The man can not be a PRINCE and a BAN at the same time! It is just impossible!

Mara: Now who is looking for logic in a book that is completely illogical?

DD: Sorry.

*DD grins sheepishly*

Mara: Anyway, Niko - Lord, I hate that name - tells us how the Nemanjić-wanna-be-line was all composed of wolves. An old and noble Serbian line of wolf shifters. He states that "Nemanjić was a man of honor and fairness, teaching shifters not to use their powers against humans. Hrebeljanović is just the opposite, and is a mad man”. I have to ask again- why, why WHY would any wolf decide not to fight in the Kosovo battle? Why not fight for your people for fuck's sake, you ninny? 

DD: Niko did tell us "We were forced into a war we did not want”. I guess they did not want to fight.

Mara: Well, this is one wolf that 100% NEEDS TO BE MORE of a nationalist. His people are getting killed and he does not want war? Boohoo for you, mister! Now get you wolfish skin and brake some Ottoman legs!

DD: Give it up, Mara. The author just about barfed all over Serbian history. She used a battle in which a lot of good people, rebels against the Turkish empire, lost their lives. She used names of leaders that tried to stop the enslavement of their nation and made them in to homicidal maniacs that wield their magic powers for no-good. She makes me sick. Aaaand I feel a strong need to give her a link to pictures of the Ćele kula.

Skull Tower of Niš

Mara: Riiiiiiight! I mean, the fist rebel battle in (not yet) ottoman Serbia was the battle of Kosovo - which she so horribly exploited. After that, there were no bigger uprisings, and the Serbs were pretty much living hellishly for a COUPLE OF CENTURIES.

DD: Yes, the very “next” thing that happened was the first Serbian uprising in 1804 – we can notice how much time has passed for the Kosovo battle in 1389! - and an awful defeat on the battle of Čegar Hill resulted in a whole tower being built from rebel bones.

Mara: If only Niko was not cursed! I am 100% sure he could have saved the 952 people whose skulls were imbedded into the stone of that monument.

DD: God. What ever was she thinking? I mean, I am still genuinely puzzled! Picking such sensitive topics of somebody’s history and turning in to a (shitty) erotic novel with shifters?

Mara: I don’t think she was thinking. I mean, just look at the cover!

DD: You mean the ont that snowed mountains and forests in the background? They totally remind me of Siberia. If not for the muck of history she slapped in there, I would think she - like so many before her - confused Serbia with Siberia.

Mara: That… and the yellow nail polish. What's up with that?

*DD laughs*

Mara: That was not a rhetorical question. I want to know! And I really, really, REALLY hope that the yellow nail polish was not something the heroine had on in 1389 Serbia.

DD: In that book? Anything is possible.

Mara: No. Everything in that book is weird and unexplainable.

DD: They should have just slapped “WARNING! This book is unfathomable!” on the cover.

*Mara sighs*

DD: What should we state as our final verdict?

Mara: Nobody should pick this book up.

DD: I agree. The plot was non existent. The facts were scattered all over the place and unconnected or unconnectable. The sex scenes were plain BAD, and…

Mara: …and the characters were boring and unlikable. Not to mention it was just not written well.

DD: Sentence building was on a kindergarten level, and syntax rules were completely disregarded.

Mara: All in all…

DD: …A waste of our money!

*silence descends as DD and Mara mourn the time, money and effort they spent on this read*

DD: Hey! Want to do another buddy read?

Mara: Will there be more ice cream when we finish?

DD: Sure!

Mara: Then, until next time, my friend! Now where is that waiter?

*Mara signals the waiter*

(inside the waiter's head): Just be calm. The crazy chicks will not hurt me. Stand your ground, get the money, and THEN run away.